Tips #1, #2, #3 for Boosting Self-Confidence

A client came to me wanting to improve her self-confidence. After our first introductory discussion, she asked me what my charges were. I do not always do this but I thoughtfully gave her a sliding scale price range and asked her to pick any rate from that range. She looked very confused and overwhelmed. Unable to make a decision, she asked me to decide a rate for her. I refused with a smile and said this is your first self-confidence lesson: When you have an opportunity to make a choice, make it!

Often in our day-to-day life we need to make a number of choices. Deciding a place to dine, choosing an outfit with your shopping buddy, ordering for two in the restaurant, deciding which movie to go to, picking a day for a meetup.. often you might have people asking you to suggest an option. A lot of times even if we have a something in mind we tend to not say it in order to be polite. We throw the ball back in their court saying "Anything is fine, really!" We think we are actually giving them the privilege of choosing by being nice and polite.What's really happening is you are not helping them in any way, just bringing them back to where they started. Now the pressure is on them to choose something for you even if you may not like it. What would really make things easier is to just choose something and move on! Then you have more time to actually have fun doing what you do than figuring out what to do. But more importantly, you get a opportunity to let your inner personality surface. You get to define yourself in front of the world. Even though these might seem like trivial decisions, practicing taking a stand whenever you can that resonates with you makes you comfortable with your own choices; And that is the key step towards being confident: being comfortable with yourself. So when you have an opportunity to make a choice, make it! Don't worry about if others will agree with it or not. When they ask you for your input, they expect a reply. Replying is a nicer thing to do than throwing the question back at them. Even if you don't have a particular choice in mind, think a little and come up with something. Be assertive. Be yourself. Make a choice that shows who you are!

Look people in the eye! Imagine you are walking down the hallway and someone is walking towards you from the opposite side. You have noticed them but you still pretend to look at your cellphone or to your left or right to avoid eye contact. You only look at them with a half smile, half nod and a half hello when they come really close to you. At times, you pretend to not have noticed them at all! Does this seem familiar? Why do people do that? This happens not because you don't want to look at them, but because you don't want to look at yourself through their eyes! Would it be too friendly if I smiled at them? What if I run out words talking to them? What if I say something silly? These thoughts say nothing about them, but about you judging yourself. We think everything in this world is about us. It is not! 

On my morning walk, I noticed a scary looking man with a hoodie, walking in my direction with an uneasy walk, much like a drunk. A thought crossed my mind, Should I change my way before we cross? There was still some time for me to change my direction and go left before we crossed each other. But immediately a voice in my head said, "No, keep walking. Smile and say hello to him when you get closer to him. Face your fear in the face." I continued my walk, and when we got closer, I looked him in the eye and said hello. When I saw him closely, I figured he was not drunk. He was actually limping which made it look like he had no control over his legs. He did not look scary. There was rather a tinge of sadness in his eyes. At the same time he had a great spirit to start the day with a walk even though he limped. When I smiled at him, he was a little awkward, as if I was doing something out of the ordinary. But hey, all the morning walkers smile at each other. Why is he feeling I am doing something different? .. Maybe nobody smiles at him? may be he has seen enough people changing their way before passing by him? maybe he is going through a lot in his life? Who knows! In that brief moment, I appreciated everything about him. Even though he limped, he had eyes that carried a thousand emotions. He had a story I did not really know, but whatever it was, it sure was much beautiful than the initial story I was about to tell myself which went somewhat like... he was coming towards me to mug me or say something rude. When we avoid eye contact with people, we are judging them and/or ourselves, creating a story in our mind that is often far from the truth. It is much beautiful and real when we look people in the eye with curiosity, free of any judgments.

Just when I decided to look at him for who he is, I realized it is not all about myself. When we are low in confidence, we think everything is about us and world is waiting to get back at us, attack us or laugh at us when we make a mistake. That is so not the case. Remind yourself, “Everything is not about me!” It is about them too and more importantly, about you and them together. When you are with people, look at them for who they are. Appreciate what’s wonderful about them. Do not keep looking back at yourself through their eyes. Because, first, you cannot do it anyway. What you imagine they are thinking about you and what they are really thinking can be far apart. They may not even be thinking anything of you. Second, does it really matter what they think of you? Why are you letting that matter to you? Would you change yourself for every person you meet or rather just be who you are and love yourself for that?

So here are my first 3 tips for improving self confidence:
1. When you have an opportunity to make a choice, make it!
2. Look people in the eye. (with curiosity and no judgments)
3. Remind yourself “Everything is not about me!” (expand your horizons to include others, move the attention from yourself to others to appreciate the good in them)

More tips to come.. Stay tuned..