Tips #1, #2, #3 for Boosting Self-Confidence

A client came to me wanting to improve her self-confidence. After our first introductory discussion, she asked me what my charges were. I do not always do this but I thoughtfully gave her a sliding scale price range and asked her to pick any rate from that range. She looked very confused and overwhelmed. Unable to make a decision, she asked me to decide a rate for her. I refused with a smile and said this is your first self-confidence lesson: When you have an opportunity to make a choice, make it!

Often in our day-to-day life we need to make a number of choices. Deciding a place to dine, choosing an outfit with your shopping buddy, ordering for two in the restaurant, deciding which movie to go to, picking a day for a meetup.. often you might have people asking you to suggest an option. A lot of times even if we have a something in mind we tend to not say it in order to be polite. We throw the ball back in their court saying "Anything is fine, really!" We think we are actually giving them the privilege of choosing by being nice and polite.What's really happening is you are not helping them in any way, just bringing them back to where they started. Now the pressure is on them to choose something for you even if you may not like it. What would really make things easier is to just choose something and move on! Then you have more time to actually have fun doing what you do than figuring out what to do. But more importantly, you get a opportunity to let your inner personality surface. You get to define yourself in front of the world. Even though these might seem like trivial decisions, practicing taking a stand whenever you can that resonates with you makes you comfortable with your own choices; And that is the key step towards being confident: being comfortable with yourself. So when you have an opportunity to make a choice, make it! Don't worry about if others will agree with it or not. When they ask you for your input, they expect a reply. Replying is a nicer thing to do than throwing the question back at them. Even if you don't have a particular choice in mind, think a little and come up with something. Be assertive. Be yourself. Make a choice that shows who you are!

Look people in the eye! Imagine you are walking down the hallway and someone is walking towards you from the opposite side. You have noticed them but you still pretend to look at your cellphone or to your left or right to avoid eye contact. You only look at them with a half smile, half nod and a half hello when they come really close to you. At times, you pretend to not have noticed them at all! Does this seem familiar? Why do people do that? This happens not because you don't want to look at them, but because you don't want to look at yourself through their eyes! Would it be too friendly if I smiled at them? What if I run out words talking to them? What if I say something silly? These thoughts say nothing about them, but about you judging yourself. We think everything in this world is about us. It is not! 

On my morning walk, I noticed a scary looking man with a hoodie, walking in my direction with an uneasy walk, much like a drunk. A thought crossed my mind, Should I change my way before we cross? There was still some time for me to change my direction and go left before we crossed each other. But immediately a voice in my head said, "No, keep walking. Smile and say hello to him when you get closer to him. Face your fear in the face." I continued my walk, and when we got closer, I looked him in the eye and said hello. When I saw him closely, I figured he was not drunk. He was actually limping which made it look like he had no control over his legs. He did not look scary. There was rather a tinge of sadness in his eyes. At the same time he had a great spirit to start the day with a walk even though he limped. When I smiled at him, he was a little awkward, as if I was doing something out of the ordinary. But hey, all the morning walkers smile at each other. Why is he feeling I am doing something different? .. Maybe nobody smiles at him? may be he has seen enough people changing their way before passing by him? maybe he is going through a lot in his life? Who knows! In that brief moment, I appreciated everything about him. Even though he limped, he had eyes that carried a thousand emotions. He had a story I did not really know, but whatever it was, it sure was much beautiful than the initial story I was about to tell myself which went somewhat like... he was coming towards me to mug me or say something rude. When we avoid eye contact with people, we are judging them and/or ourselves, creating a story in our mind that is often far from the truth. It is much beautiful and real when we look people in the eye with curiosity, free of any judgments.

Just when I decided to look at him for who he is, I realized it is not all about myself. When we are low in confidence, we think everything is about us and world is waiting to get back at us, attack us or laugh at us when we make a mistake. That is so not the case. Remind yourself, “Everything is not about me!” It is about them too and more importantly, about you and them together. When you are with people, look at them for who they are. Appreciate what’s wonderful about them. Do not keep looking back at yourself through their eyes. Because, first, you cannot do it anyway. What you imagine they are thinking about you and what they are really thinking can be far apart. They may not even be thinking anything of you. Second, does it really matter what they think of you? Why are you letting that matter to you? Would you change yourself for every person you meet or rather just be who you are and love yourself for that?

So here are my first 3 tips for improving self confidence:
1. When you have an opportunity to make a choice, make it!
2. Look people in the eye. (with curiosity and no judgments)
3. Remind yourself “Everything is not about me!” (expand your horizons to include others, move the attention from yourself to others to appreciate the good in them)

More tips to come.. Stay tuned..

Knowing vs. Being

We all know! Yet, it seems so hard to be!

How strange is that!

We all know that exercise, healthy food, meditation, mindfulness is good for us, living in alignment with our values and integrity bring us peace and keeping calm in the stressful situations gives us better control of the situation and so on. But still, often we give up when it is time to actually act, to actually be! How strange is that!

I met a gentleman yesterday who has been in spiritual practice for more than 15 years, has read a lot of books and seen a lot of seminars on how to live a positive life. During our long discussion he referred to many authors, speakers, books and other references asking me if I knew about them. 

"Have you heard about this concept about positive affirmations?", "Do you know this author?", "Have you listened to this incredible guy/lady?" .....

 Honestly, most of the times I had no clue about these people or the names they gave to these practices. But I already knew all the principles they all were trying to teach! Every time he spoke about a concept, I knew it already (minus its official name he referred to) because I figured I was actually practicing it in my life. I was living it! He was surprised to see how much I knew without being exposed to all this information out there. He was curious to know if I got it from my parents or some organization or if I followed any guru. I said "No, I don't really follow one particular person or organization that has taught me all this. I just follow my instinct. I know it because it came to me. When you really want to live your life in a particular manner, universe offers all the resources you need to get there!"

In my personal opinion you do not need to study a whole lot of things in order to integrate the right things into your life. It is not necessary to read a hundred books or listen to a hundred speeches to know what is right for us. We already know! The truth is and has always been inside of us. The incredible speakers, the gurus and the books are just another medium to make us aware of it all over again. If you are not willing from within to bring a change, it won't matter how much information you read. Whatever you thought you learned will wear off in short time. However, if you truly desire something from your heart, things automatically happen for you.. knowledge comes to you.. you find the right things because you look for right things! 

The most important thing is,  to "want" to be. The link between knowing and being is "wanting". It is only when you want to be, that you actually can be! Knowing won't do anything unless you accept it with all your mind and body. We are like cups. If the cup is upside down, it won't be able to contain anything no matter how much water you pour on it. On the other hand, when it is sitting upright the way it supposed to be it will fill quickly. 

How many of us like/share/appreciate all the beautiful quotes we come across? We appreciate the wisdom in them because it connects with our core. But soon after that we forget about it. We "choose" to forget about it. It is because we fail to really "want" to invite it into our life. 

Pick 5 quotes that you truly connect with and work on truly making them a part of your life. Live them! Be them! Start with one. Just living one principle will be enough to transform your life! Try it!

Open yourself to solutions instead of focusing on problems. You always find what you look for! If you want anything in your life to change, you should first truly "want" that change! That will guide you to BE that change.