This post is born out of the morning argument I had with my almost 4 year old when she refused to wear the dress I picked for her. It was the same dress she absolutely loved a few months back! And now she hates it. I tried to distract her as I put it on her. She created a havoc over it. I was watching the clock as it was almost time for her school. "I don't want to waste more time changing her all over again into clothes of her choice, we are being late for school!", I told myself and my husband. But the real reason was that my ego wanted her to be the obedient child who happily agreed to every choice I made for her.
"I want to have a daughter, so I can dress her up all I want!" I have heard these from countless number of women all along. It was something I looked forward to when I was pregnant too! And yes, you do get to fulfill all your fantasies dressing up the cute little angel all you want after she arrives. But there comes a time when she doesn't want you to dress her up. She now has opinions of her own, choices of her own, a mind of her own! I believe I am not the only mom who has hard time accepting this.
My little girl went to school in the next best choice of clothes that "I" made for her. Soon after the clothing incident everything seemed to go wrong. She had become fussy about everything around her and got yelled at due to other things that followed such as almost spilling the milk and not cooperating while I did her hair. She forgot to carry her Monday class project with her. She went to school crying! I knew all of these were just the repercussions of the clothing incident.
5 hours later, her sad little face was still flashing in front of my eyes. Yes, I got what I want. She went to school in the clothes I picked for her. But was it all worth it? What kind of a day she might be having in school? Is it better to rest my ego and let her be the way she wants to be? Is that good for her or is it better she doesn't spend time worrying about how she looks at this young age?
I knew in my heart what was the right thing to do. That's because for a brief moment during my argument with my daughter I had felt I was exactly doing what my mom did 30 years ago. I tried to ignore it but it kept pricking me inside. My mom always picked an outfit for me till I was in my early teens. Most of the times I never questioned her even when I was not happy with what I wore. I did not want to get in trouble. When I was a little kid, most of my friends wore the dresses with sleeves. My mother preferred to put me in sleeveless dresses. She might have thought it was cute and modern but I always thought I did not fit in. When I moved to high school, she once custom stitched a beautiful white dress with red flowers for me that had a moderately low neck. Every time I wore it, I got bullied at school by older girls. I refused to wear it. My mom got angry every time I refused and forced me to wear it saying she has spent a lot of money for it. One day I broke down. I started crying and told her about how I was getting bullied at school because of it. She never sent me to school in that dress after that. I wonder why it took me so long to tell her that I was being bullied. Perhaps I thought she would not believe me or go to another extreme and launch complaint against my bullies in school and that would have landed me in more trouble. None of those happened.
But it made me realize that sometimes children may not be able to explain the real motivator behind the choices they make. Many times they know what they want but cannot explain why. It might be better at times to trust their instinct even when you don't understand them.
I revisited the morning incident in my thoughts. My daughter kept saying she doesn't like that dress. After about 10 minutes I thought of asking her why. She said, "because none of my friends like it!" I had ignored that little piece of information. What do 4-year-olds know about fashion? But what I thought was trivial, was a big deal for her. It was HER body. They were HER friends. SHE was going to spend next 8 hours with them. It was HER life. She wanted her friends to like the way she dressed. What's wrong with that? All humans crave for acceptance. Don't we? We need to make sure that we are dressed appropriately for the occasion. We want to follow the dress code. We want to fit in. What's wrong if a 4-year old wants to fit in too?
Moreover, clothing is more than just a way to fit in. Clothing shows our personality. Clothing is our expression. The way we dress up shows how we are feeling that day. Every morning I choose an outfit that suits my mood. Sometimes I want to wear skinny dress and sometimes I want to just disappear in the loose comfortable pajamas. How mad will I get if someone forces me to wear tight jeans when I want to wear a light flowing skirt instead? The way we dress up has a lot to do with the way we show up that day.When we feel comfortable in what we wear, we are not distracted during the day. We can focus better. We are happier.
I researched more. I learned that allowing kids to make their own choices helps them be independent . It helps build their self-confidence. It might happen that they will make a fool out of themselves at times, but they'll learn from it. They will learn to take responsibility of their actions. And hey! They won't be able to blame you for the clothes they feel embarrassed at after they grow up! :)
The plan going forward:
What do I do with the closet full of clothes I already have for her? I am going to sit with her and sort her closet to completely discard/donate/sell the clothes she hates and only keep the ones she likes. While she is little, in the mornings I will make a few suggestions based on the weather and the physical activity she will be doing that day and then let her choose for herself.
I will let her choose her clothes when we go shopping. Even when I shop online, I will make sure she is sitting next to me picking the clothes before I hit the "confirm order" button. So everything we get is of her choice. I won't be able to resist making suggestions, I know, but she will have the final word.
After a few years, I might even give her a fixed amount of money and ask her to buy clothes for herself that fit the budget. I remember going crazy shopping the first time I got the freedom to buy things for myself after I started earning. I regretted later for the amount of money I wasted on things I didn't really need. Perhaps allowing her to spend within a fixed budget from early on will teach her a thing or two about managing money.
And for the little bit of my ego, that is still trying to poke at me, I am asking these 2 questions!
1. What's the worse that will happen if she picks her own clothes?
- There will be some clothes in her closet that will stay unused forever.
2. What's the worse that will happen if I pick her clothes against her wishes?
- Discomfort, Distracted mind, Low Confidence, Chance of being bullied, Unhappiness.
The answer is bright and clear! I decide to rest my ego for my child's happiness!
"I want to have a daughter, so I can dress her up all I want!" I have heard these from countless number of women all along. It was something I looked forward to when I was pregnant too! And yes, you do get to fulfill all your fantasies dressing up the cute little angel all you want after she arrives. But there comes a time when she doesn't want you to dress her up. She now has opinions of her own, choices of her own, a mind of her own! I believe I am not the only mom who has hard time accepting this.
My little girl went to school in the next best choice of clothes that "I" made for her. Soon after the clothing incident everything seemed to go wrong. She had become fussy about everything around her and got yelled at due to other things that followed such as almost spilling the milk and not cooperating while I did her hair. She forgot to carry her Monday class project with her. She went to school crying! I knew all of these were just the repercussions of the clothing incident.
5 hours later, her sad little face was still flashing in front of my eyes. Yes, I got what I want. She went to school in the clothes I picked for her. But was it all worth it? What kind of a day she might be having in school? Is it better to rest my ego and let her be the way she wants to be? Is that good for her or is it better she doesn't spend time worrying about how she looks at this young age?
I knew in my heart what was the right thing to do. That's because for a brief moment during my argument with my daughter I had felt I was exactly doing what my mom did 30 years ago. I tried to ignore it but it kept pricking me inside. My mom always picked an outfit for me till I was in my early teens. Most of the times I never questioned her even when I was not happy with what I wore. I did not want to get in trouble. When I was a little kid, most of my friends wore the dresses with sleeves. My mother preferred to put me in sleeveless dresses. She might have thought it was cute and modern but I always thought I did not fit in. When I moved to high school, she once custom stitched a beautiful white dress with red flowers for me that had a moderately low neck. Every time I wore it, I got bullied at school by older girls. I refused to wear it. My mom got angry every time I refused and forced me to wear it saying she has spent a lot of money for it. One day I broke down. I started crying and told her about how I was getting bullied at school because of it. She never sent me to school in that dress after that. I wonder why it took me so long to tell her that I was being bullied. Perhaps I thought she would not believe me or go to another extreme and launch complaint against my bullies in school and that would have landed me in more trouble. None of those happened.
But it made me realize that sometimes children may not be able to explain the real motivator behind the choices they make. Many times they know what they want but cannot explain why. It might be better at times to trust their instinct even when you don't understand them.
I revisited the morning incident in my thoughts. My daughter kept saying she doesn't like that dress. After about 10 minutes I thought of asking her why. She said, "because none of my friends like it!" I had ignored that little piece of information. What do 4-year-olds know about fashion? But what I thought was trivial, was a big deal for her. It was HER body. They were HER friends. SHE was going to spend next 8 hours with them. It was HER life. She wanted her friends to like the way she dressed. What's wrong with that? All humans crave for acceptance. Don't we? We need to make sure that we are dressed appropriately for the occasion. We want to follow the dress code. We want to fit in. What's wrong if a 4-year old wants to fit in too?
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| Photo credit: Craigslistdad @ wordpress De-clutter, Organize & Repurpose |
I researched more. I learned that allowing kids to make their own choices helps them be independent . It helps build their self-confidence. It might happen that they will make a fool out of themselves at times, but they'll learn from it. They will learn to take responsibility of their actions. And hey! They won't be able to blame you for the clothes they feel embarrassed at after they grow up! :)
The plan going forward:
What do I do with the closet full of clothes I already have for her? I am going to sit with her and sort her closet to completely discard/donate/sell the clothes she hates and only keep the ones she likes. While she is little, in the mornings I will make a few suggestions based on the weather and the physical activity she will be doing that day and then let her choose for herself.
I will let her choose her clothes when we go shopping. Even when I shop online, I will make sure she is sitting next to me picking the clothes before I hit the "confirm order" button. So everything we get is of her choice. I won't be able to resist making suggestions, I know, but she will have the final word.
After a few years, I might even give her a fixed amount of money and ask her to buy clothes for herself that fit the budget. I remember going crazy shopping the first time I got the freedom to buy things for myself after I started earning. I regretted later for the amount of money I wasted on things I didn't really need. Perhaps allowing her to spend within a fixed budget from early on will teach her a thing or two about managing money.
And for the little bit of my ego, that is still trying to poke at me, I am asking these 2 questions!
1. What's the worse that will happen if she picks her own clothes?
- There will be some clothes in her closet that will stay unused forever.
2. What's the worse that will happen if I pick her clothes against her wishes?
- Discomfort, Distracted mind, Low Confidence, Chance of being bullied, Unhappiness.
The answer is bright and clear! I decide to rest my ego for my child's happiness!
