Should I let my kid pick her own clothes?

This post is born out of the morning argument I had with my almost 4 year old when she refused to wear the dress I picked for her. It was the same dress she absolutely loved a few months back! And now she hates it. I tried to distract her as I put it on her. She created a havoc over it. I was watching the clock as it was almost time for her school. "I don't want to waste more time changing her all over again into clothes of her choice, we are being late for school!", I told myself and my husband. But the real reason was that my ego wanted her to be the obedient child who happily agreed to every choice I made for her.

"I want to have a daughter, so I can dress her up all I want!" I have heard these from countless number of women all along. It was something I looked forward to when I was pregnant too! And yes, you do get to fulfill all your fantasies dressing up the cute little angel all you want after she arrives. But there comes a time when she doesn't want you to dress her up. She now has opinions of her own, choices of her own, a mind of her own! I believe I am not the only mom who has hard time accepting this.

My little girl went to school in the next best choice of clothes that "I" made for her. Soon after the clothing incident everything seemed to go wrong. She had become fussy about everything around her and got yelled at due to other things that followed such as almost spilling the milk and not cooperating while I did her hair. She forgot to carry her Monday class project with her. She went to school crying! I knew all of these were just the repercussions of the clothing incident.

5 hours later, her sad little face was still flashing in front of my eyes. Yes, I got what I want. She went to school in the clothes I picked for her. But was it all worth it? What kind of a day she might be having in school? Is it better to rest my ego and let her be the way she wants to be? Is that good for her or is it better she doesn't spend time worrying about how she looks at this young age?

I knew in my heart what was the right thing to do. That's because for a brief moment during my argument with my daughter I had felt I was exactly doing what my mom did 30 years ago. I tried to ignore it but it kept pricking me inside. My mom always picked an outfit for me till I was in my early teens. Most of the times I never questioned her even when I was not happy with what I wore. I did not want to get in trouble. When I was a little kid, most of my friends wore the dresses with sleeves. My mother preferred to put me in sleeveless dresses. She might have thought it was cute and modern but I always thought I did not fit in. When I moved to high school, she once custom stitched a beautiful white dress with red flowers for me that had a moderately low neck. Every time I wore it, I got bullied at school by older girls. I refused to wear it. My mom got angry every time I refused and forced me to wear it saying she has spent a lot of money for it. One day I broke down. I started crying and told her about how I was getting bullied at school because of it. She never sent me to school in that dress after that. I wonder why it took me so long to tell her that I was being bullied. Perhaps I thought she would not believe me or go to another extreme and launch complaint against my bullies in school and that would have landed me in more trouble. None of those happened.

But it made me realize that sometimes children may not be able to explain the real motivator behind the choices they make. Many times they know what they want but cannot explain why. It might be better at times to trust their instinct even when you don't understand them.

I revisited the morning incident in my thoughts. My daughter kept saying she doesn't like that dress. After about 10 minutes I thought of asking her why. She said, "because none of my friends like it!" I had ignored that little piece of information. What do 4-year-olds know about fashion? But what I thought was trivial, was a big deal for her. It was HER body. They were HER friends. SHE was going to spend next 8 hours with them. It was HER life. She wanted her friends to like the way she dressed. What's wrong with that? All humans crave for acceptance. Don't we? We need to make sure that we are dressed appropriately for the occasion. We want to follow the dress code. We want to fit in. What's wrong if a 4-year old wants to fit in too?

Photo credit: Craigslistdad @ wordpress
De-clutter, Organize & Repurpose

Moreover, clothing is more than just a way to fit in. Clothing shows our personality. Clothing is our expression. The way we dress up shows how we are feeling that day. Every morning I choose an outfit that suits my mood. Sometimes I want to wear skinny dress and sometimes I want to just disappear in the loose comfortable pajamas. How mad will I get if someone forces me to wear tight jeans when I want to wear a light flowing skirt instead? The way we dress up has a lot to do with the way we show up that day.When we feel comfortable in what we wear, we are not distracted during the day. We can focus better. We are happier.

I researched more. I learned that allowing kids to make their own choices helps them be independent . It helps build their self-confidence. It might happen that they will make a fool out of themselves at times, but they'll learn from it. They will learn to take responsibility of their actions. And hey! They won't be able to blame you for the clothes they feel embarrassed at after they grow up! :)

The plan going forward:
What do I do with the closet full of clothes I already have for her? I am going to sit with her and sort her closet to completely discard/donate/sell the clothes she hates and only keep the ones she likes. While she is little, in the mornings I will make a few suggestions based on the weather and the physical activity she will be doing that day and then let her choose for herself.
I will let her choose her clothes when we go shopping. Even when I shop online, I will make sure she is sitting next to me picking the clothes before I hit the "confirm order" button. So everything we get is of her choice. I won't be able to resist making suggestions, I know, but she will have the final word.
After a few years, I might even give her a fixed amount of money and ask her to buy clothes for herself that fit the budget. I remember going crazy shopping the first time I got the freedom to buy things for myself after I started earning. I regretted later for the amount of money I wasted on things I didn't really need. Perhaps allowing her to spend within a fixed budget from early on will teach her a thing or two about managing money.

And for the little bit of my ego, that is still trying to poke at me, I am asking these 2 questions!
1. What's the worse that will happen if she picks her own clothes?
- There will be some clothes in her closet that will stay unused forever.
2. What's the worse that will happen if  I pick her clothes against her wishes?
- Discomfort, Distracted mind, Low Confidence, Chance of being bullied, Unhappiness.
The answer is bright and clear! I decide to rest my ego for my child's happiness!

Tips #1, #2, #3 for Boosting Self-Confidence

A client came to me wanting to improve her self-confidence. After our first introductory discussion, she asked me what my charges were. I do not always do this but I thoughtfully gave her a sliding scale price range and asked her to pick any rate from that range. She looked very confused and overwhelmed. Unable to make a decision, she asked me to decide a rate for her. I refused with a smile and said this is your first self-confidence lesson: When you have an opportunity to make a choice, make it!

Often in our day-to-day life we need to make a number of choices. Deciding a place to dine, choosing an outfit with your shopping buddy, ordering for two in the restaurant, deciding which movie to go to, picking a day for a meetup.. often you might have people asking you to suggest an option. A lot of times even if we have a something in mind we tend to not say it in order to be polite. We throw the ball back in their court saying "Anything is fine, really!" We think we are actually giving them the privilege of choosing by being nice and polite.What's really happening is you are not helping them in any way, just bringing them back to where they started. Now the pressure is on them to choose something for you even if you may not like it. What would really make things easier is to just choose something and move on! Then you have more time to actually have fun doing what you do than figuring out what to do. But more importantly, you get a opportunity to let your inner personality surface. You get to define yourself in front of the world. Even though these might seem like trivial decisions, practicing taking a stand whenever you can that resonates with you makes you comfortable with your own choices; And that is the key step towards being confident: being comfortable with yourself. So when you have an opportunity to make a choice, make it! Don't worry about if others will agree with it or not. When they ask you for your input, they expect a reply. Replying is a nicer thing to do than throwing the question back at them. Even if you don't have a particular choice in mind, think a little and come up with something. Be assertive. Be yourself. Make a choice that shows who you are!

Look people in the eye! Imagine you are walking down the hallway and someone is walking towards you from the opposite side. You have noticed them but you still pretend to look at your cellphone or to your left or right to avoid eye contact. You only look at them with a half smile, half nod and a half hello when they come really close to you. At times, you pretend to not have noticed them at all! Does this seem familiar? Why do people do that? This happens not because you don't want to look at them, but because you don't want to look at yourself through their eyes! Would it be too friendly if I smiled at them? What if I run out words talking to them? What if I say something silly? These thoughts say nothing about them, but about you judging yourself. We think everything in this world is about us. It is not! 

On my morning walk, I noticed a scary looking man with a hoodie, walking in my direction with an uneasy walk, much like a drunk. A thought crossed my mind, Should I change my way before we cross? There was still some time for me to change my direction and go left before we crossed each other. But immediately a voice in my head said, "No, keep walking. Smile and say hello to him when you get closer to him. Face your fear in the face." I continued my walk, and when we got closer, I looked him in the eye and said hello. When I saw him closely, I figured he was not drunk. He was actually limping which made it look like he had no control over his legs. He did not look scary. There was rather a tinge of sadness in his eyes. At the same time he had a great spirit to start the day with a walk even though he limped. When I smiled at him, he was a little awkward, as if I was doing something out of the ordinary. But hey, all the morning walkers smile at each other. Why is he feeling I am doing something different? .. Maybe nobody smiles at him? may be he has seen enough people changing their way before passing by him? maybe he is going through a lot in his life? Who knows! In that brief moment, I appreciated everything about him. Even though he limped, he had eyes that carried a thousand emotions. He had a story I did not really know, but whatever it was, it sure was much beautiful than the initial story I was about to tell myself which went somewhat like... he was coming towards me to mug me or say something rude. When we avoid eye contact with people, we are judging them and/or ourselves, creating a story in our mind that is often far from the truth. It is much beautiful and real when we look people in the eye with curiosity, free of any judgments.

Just when I decided to look at him for who he is, I realized it is not all about myself. When we are low in confidence, we think everything is about us and world is waiting to get back at us, attack us or laugh at us when we make a mistake. That is so not the case. Remind yourself, “Everything is not about me!” It is about them too and more importantly, about you and them together. When you are with people, look at them for who they are. Appreciate what’s wonderful about them. Do not keep looking back at yourself through their eyes. Because, first, you cannot do it anyway. What you imagine they are thinking about you and what they are really thinking can be far apart. They may not even be thinking anything of you. Second, does it really matter what they think of you? Why are you letting that matter to you? Would you change yourself for every person you meet or rather just be who you are and love yourself for that?

So here are my first 3 tips for improving self confidence:
1. When you have an opportunity to make a choice, make it!
2. Look people in the eye. (with curiosity and no judgments)
3. Remind yourself “Everything is not about me!” (expand your horizons to include others, move the attention from yourself to others to appreciate the good in them)

More tips to come.. Stay tuned..